EDIE: Hey, pop. It’s Edie.
POP: Is this a joke? How are you texting?
EDIE: I have Mom’s phone. Don’t worry about it. What’s up?
POP: I’m working. So I can keep you in diapers.
EDIE: Cool. Come home.
POP: I can’t. That’s the problem with NOT BEING A BABY. You have to work.
EDIE: That suuuuucks. But I want to play.
POP: You’re six weeks old. You can’t do anything. You make lip bubbles.
EDIE: Well, how can I learn anything when you’re working all the time?
POP: Hey, enough with the guilt. How are you texting? You barely unclench your fingers.
EDIE: Life is easier when people have low expectations of you.
POP: Wait until I show your Mom these texts.
EDIE: She’ll never believe you. Come on. I’m a baby. How am I doing this?
POP: What is this? The singing frog routine?
EDIE: What is that? Is that a pop culture reference? Thanks a lot. I spend my days in a bassinet.
POP: Hey, I didn’t even know you were cognizant! You smile at a panda toy filled with rice.
EDIE: Maybe you should give people the benefit of the doubt. Take them to see The Muppets.
POP: This is not about me. This is about a sneaky baby who knows how to text.
EDIE: Am I that sneaky baby? Are we talking about me? I’m going to cry now.
POP: Please don’t do that. Your Mom’s tired.
EDIE: Nope. I’m going to wail. I’ll be inconsolable until you get home.
POP: Don’t do that. Please please please. Val will be in such a bad mood.
EDIE: Too late. I’m warming up the screamer. I’m going to squirm, too.
POP: Fine. Fine. What do you want?
EDIE: A Star Wars marathon. So I can understand what the crap you’re referencing all the time.
POP: Oh. Well, I can do that. This is the happiest day of my life. This is going to be awesome.
EDIE: Oh, I don’t anticipate liking it. I just want some fuel for when I reveal to Mom I can talk. So I can ceaselessly mock you.
POP: You suck.
EDIE: I’m telling.
POP: You can’t.
EDIE: Touche. Later, nerd.